US Presidents in Order of Hot-factor as Young Men

I'm bored. This election is annoying the shit out of me. So, here's some mindless fun. Let's rank the US Presidents from least hot to totally bangable when they were young lads. :P

43. James Monroe

Kay. I was told, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. He might have established the 'Monroe Doctrine' but he certainly was not at risk of being 'heartthrob of the century'. Yikes.








42. Thomas Jefferson

Hate to do it. He is one of my favorite Presidents and he wrote the damn Declaration of Independence, however, I must remain unbiased in my assessment of the superficial and this dude needs to smile. And maybe also a new face. Love you, Tommy. Mean it.






41. Martin Van Buren

BRB, just going to have a nightmare or five.













40. John Adams

Hard pass.



















39. James Buchanan 

The Bachelor President was probably not that interested in what the ladies thought anyway.











38. Andrew Johnson

Why so serious, dude? Is it all that impeachment mess? Either way, he didn't want black men to have citizenship, so I'm not feeling terrible about hating on the guy and his weird face.












37. Millard Fillmore

If this guy is supposed to be Alec Baldwin's twin, this painter has a lot of explaining to do.

36. Lyndon Johnson

The guy just looks like he's planning something evil. That stare will haunt me for weeks.

35. James Madison

I'm going to give James the benefit of the doubt and assume the creepy vampire vibe I'm getting is just artistic licence. He looks like he could have been a decent looking dude, weird halo aside.









34. John Tyler

Average dude with a big nose. Incidentally, I am a fan of big noses. I'm also a fan of dudes who oppose a 'National Bank'.

33. George Washington

Another of my favorite presidents whose face just doesn't match his beautiful spirit. By no means ugly, George is just...whatevs.










32. Benjamin Harrison

Not ugly. Not hot. This Hoosier (okay, he was born in Ohio but we claim him!) fought for black voting rights in the South, though he was ultimately not very successful...obviously.








31. Abraham Lincoln

Basically, he looks the same young as he did old. A large man, his features still never grew into his face. Still, he did free the slaves, so...









30. Chester Arthur

I can't decide if I'm being too harsh on this guy because of that ridiculous haircut and beard, but I very much doubt he was going to make the top of the list either way.









29. Warren Harding

Nice enough eyes. Not at all offensive like his love of tariffs or bribes, but nothing that would stop traffic either.












28. Harry Truman 

Cute. He looks like the kind of guy who you'd take home to mom. Adorable even.












27. Jimmy Carter

Those lips. Guaranteed, Jimmy is a good kisser. A little too innocent looking for my liking, but definitely solid.










26. William Henry Harrison

We've established I like big noses, yes? Okay, well I do. And this dude has plenty to spare. Can't put my finger on it, but he's got something. Too bad his dumb ass didn't wear a coat and, windbag that he is, talked so long at his inauguration he got sick and died. Beauty over brains.






25. John Quincy Adams

Those eyes, that bottom lip, the defined nose. I would have hit it, for sure. Plus, I love running my hands through a lush head of hair.










24. Ulysses S. Grant

Not the best picture quality, but I can still tell the guy has amazing eyes. He's serious without looking mean. He used all that seriousness to win a war, and then take office and fight the KKK. Swoon.








23. Andrew Jackson

This ginger fox could get it. Sure, he expanded the Federal Government, but maybe I could look past it for those deep blue eyes.










22. William Taft

Before the days of needing a custom built tub for his girth, Taft was kind of a hottie, in that Ivy League Frat Boy kind of way.











21. Teddy Roosevelt


This is another man with dreamy eyes, this time with absurd sideburns. He looks ready to take life by the balls and go adventuring.










20. Zachary Taylor

Handsome and blonde, this 'Whig Party' member needed no wig, with those adorable curls.
















19. Woodrow Wilson

Very nice, President Wilson. If only your policies had been as lovely as your face.











18. Dwight Eisenhower

Those pensive eyes and that beautiful pout make Ike, one of our hottest war heroes/presidents of all time.










17. Calvin Coolidge

Not known for being a great friend to women, the looks cannot be denied. That hair, tho...











16. Franklin Pierce

Dude looks like he could take charge in the sack and in the saddle. And don't think I didn't notice that he took the time to match his own hair with his horses. The man obviously knows how to take care of himself.








15. Herbert Hoover


Does this look like a guy who deserves all the blame for the Great Depression? I think not. Movie star good looks and a sweet innocence make him too pretty to really hate.









14. Franklin Roosevelt

Hot and smart, it is just too bad FDR completely and totally fucked up the possibility of Americans ever grasping what the actual role of the Federal Government is, all while stacking the SCOTUS for his own purposes and creating entitlements we are still unable to afford. Hot though. Can't argue that.





13. Gerald Ford

I could be biased because I find football sexy, but damn. Look at those muscles, that hair, those pouty lips. Whew.















12. John F. Kennedy

One of the few presidents that was just as hot in office as he was as a young lad, it's not hard to see why he made the ladies in his day swoon.









11. Bill Clinton

I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that he's dirty and will sleep with literally anyone with a vagina and a pulse, but there is something about Bill. Something beyond 'hot' and well into sexy. It is really no wonder that he faced the most public 'affair scandal' of any President in history. It was really only a matter of time.





10. Grover Cleveland

I mean, damn. Is there anything hotter than a well-manicured head of hair and a well-tailored coat?











9. George W. Bush

Such an adorable face, sexy smile, and a glimmer in his eyes. I admit to a crush all 8 years he was in office.










8. William McKinley 

Whew. President McKinley. Damn.













7. Barack Obama

I like dudes who smoke. I like dudes who wear absurd hats. Obviously, this is love. If only he cared about the national debt.












6. Richard Nixon

Least improved award goes to Nixon because he was hot AF as a lad, but definitely NOT as an old dude. Holy shit. I could stare into those eyes all day long...









5. James Garfield 

The most gorgeous eyes, poutiest lips, just got out of bed hair? He's like an old-timey Channing Tatum.











4. James K Polk

Haters are gonna hate on this one, but he's hot. Really hot. Like hot-older-dude-with-the-big-sexy-nose hot, and those eyes that tell you he's into something naughty. Would hit it.











3. Ronald Reagan

I don't want to hear any of your nonsense about his politics, if you can look at this man and not drool, you need help. Not only one of the sexiest presidents, one of the sexiest actors of all time.








2. Geroge H.W. Bush

He's got all the attractive qualities of his son, but the original is actually hotter. So he raised taxes? He also raised my heart rate. :P










1. Rutherford B. Hayes

Yum. I'd eat him with a spoon. Big government though he was, I could abandon principle for those gorgeous eyes and those sexy lips. Plus, bonus...he's got quite a nose.

BONUS ROUND
2016 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

Donald Trump

Totally and completely mediocre. Not tremendous in any way, though also not a terrifying Oompa Loompa either. 

Gary Johnson

Oh. Bae. That hair. Love you anyway. 

Hillary Clinton

Lovely. Will easily make it to near the top of the list of 'presidential hotness' should she win this year.