First GOP Debate. What you need to know...

So, the election is in like five years but here comes the FIRST of probably a billion GOP Presidential Debates. Personally, given there are about as many GOP candidates as there are Tributes in any given Hunger Games, I'm all for a Panem-style battle to the death, but whatever. I shall attempt to be your guide through the strange, sometimes insightful, often times confusing road between Candidates that are basically the same. Let the games begin!

Donald Trump

THE GOOD: Yes, there are SOME good things about Donald Trump. For one, he's run a successful business. And running a successful business makes you about 100 times more qualified to run a country than being a Senator, in general terms. He obviously knows how to manage money, and create wealth. These are qualities anyone should be looking for in a candidate. He's not quite the dipshit he makes himself sound like, but that's not exactly a ringing endorsement.
THE BAD: Well, for one I don't even think he wants to be President. I think he wants to hear himself talk. And speaking of talking, the things he says are ridiculous. His stance on immigration is basically, if you cannot start a business straight out of the gate, you aren't wanted. Imagine if his own immigrant ancestors were given the same strict code before immigrating? He criticized a former POW when he didn't even serve in any military ever. The man has no shame, and because of it, he cannot possibly understand that his little musings, while interesting to him, make most of us want to punch his stupid face. We can do better.

Jeb Bush
THE GOOD: He's run a state pretty well. He's also pragmatic and not entirely married to the GOP talking points. He can compromise. He believes in tax cuts. All very good qualities for a candidate. Blah blah blah...
THE BAD: However, his compromising has found him wrong on a number of issues, like Common Core Education. Like his brother, he does believe there is a 'formula' for effective teaching. There is not, and trying to make one only creates bigger problems. He spends a lot of money, also like his bother (I love W as a person, but the dude had a spending problem). Cutting taxes is all well and good, but if you think you can continue to spend at the rate we do, you are going to have a big ass problem. He's an establishment candidate that will find himself floundering in the middle, standing up for nothing but not offending many. So, par for the course.

Scott Walker
THE GOOD: He's a union busting, risk taker. He has overseen economic growth in a state that had been stagnant after years of Democratic bad policies. He's not so charismatic, but he does have reasonable points to make and will also support lower taxes and less regulation, which is just common sense at this point. If your candidate is still telling you that regulation isn't the same thing as playing favorites he/she is lying to you.
THE BAD: Spending. It's always spending. Few of the GOP candidates have any real plan to cut spending in an impactful way. Gay marriage and Abortion are also issues about which Walker seems to take a hard right approach. One of these days the GOP is going to realize that gay people can be conservatives too...i'm still waiting for it.

Ben Carson
THE GOOD: Clearly smart and will be a very good speaker on the topic of Obamacare, which he's intimately familiar. He's very quotable and will definitely be a populist favorite.
THE BAD: He's too uninformed about too many issues. He's got some common sense opinions, but when push comes to shove, he cannot hold his own against people who know all the facts and figures. Also, he thinks prison turns people gay, so one wonders how he got through medical school.


Mike Huckabee
THE GOOD: I can't even. Don't make me.
THE BAD: Too many to list. Please don't make me pretend this dude has a chance. His voice makes me want to punch baby seals in the face.

Ted Cruz
THE GOOD: Despite media branding, Cruz actually has some very good ideas in certain areas, like government spending, taxes, deregulation, Obamacare, etc. And no, he isn't the inventor of shutting down the government. most Democrats were big fans of shutting down the government to get their way...you know, before they were against it.
THE BAD: His approach is ass-backward, however. He gets so caught up in the principle that he grandstands on issues where he knows he will lose. Not only that, he knows it will make him look foolish, or he has to. He's too anti-establishment to the point where you wonder if he's fighting for his ideals or just to fight. He's also a social righty and regardless of whether it's fair or not, perception is part of the game. He is not perceived well by Independents.

Marco Rubio

THE GOOD: He's one of the only candidates with a common sensical approach to immigration (Rand Paul being the other). I might not agree with the fine print, but he doesn't think you can just build a wall and hope for the best, so that's a start. Economically he's pretty sound with the exception of his plans for military spending. He does have some charisma, though, and is very likable. Which, dear fucking GOD, the GOP needs about now.
THE BAD: He still won't cut as much as he should. And his military budget talk is troubling because he doesn't even seem to know how it's all allocated in the first place. You don't win wars, nor do you protect America by throwing money at the military. It's all about how that money is spent.


Rand Paul
THE GOOD: My personal favorite of the GOP candidates. He is talking about things that Republicans often avoid talking about. He's the only candidate (including Clinton) making a point of dealing with the criminal justice system that handicaps people from success. He wants to end the Drug War, drastically cut Federal spending and power. He cares about cutting military presence in the world without taking a drastic approach. Also, he's the only GOP candidate even remotely tackling Corporate Welfare. Overall, he's probably the best GOP candidate they've had in a long time, but certainly not without flaws.
THE BAD: He's also insistent on ardently opposing gay marriage, though it contradicts his more libertarian views. He also takes a strong stance against abortion, though that is an issue about which reasonably people can disagree.


Chris Christie
THE GOOD: So hard to come up with good things...Hmmm...Let's see. He's not as horribly awfully bad as the Democrat the COULD have ended up Governor of New Jersey?
THE BAD: Where would I begin? He thinks marijuana is addictive and wants to punish states that legalize it as President? He thinks spending is awesome, we should do more of it? He isn't even remotely small government at all? I mean, the list is endless.

John Kasich
THE GOOD: He has a great economic record. You will seem him focus on this in the debate because it is actually something to be rather proud of.
THE BAD: He's a law and order kind of guy who is also socially right, though not quite as extremely as some of his competitors. He's like the stable, vanilla ice cream in the back of the fridge that you know is there but you don't really want it. Still, it's better than eating the freezer burned 10 year old rocket pop right next to it.